bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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