I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Everyone says I win the strip club
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
