Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
