I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
