Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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