Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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