I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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