i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
