dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
