Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
