my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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