my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
