last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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