At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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