the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize