Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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