apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
