I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
