Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
