I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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