i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
