also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
