Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
