sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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