Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize