thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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