How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
