You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
