Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
