Too much gin, very little bucket
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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