some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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