what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
