why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
