"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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