I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
