Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
