Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
