I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
