Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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