I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
