You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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