hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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