i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Couch. On fire.
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