The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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