I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
