So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
