I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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