if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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