At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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