no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
