the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
