Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Damn victory sex feels great
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
