You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
