im drinking this country out of the recession.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
