wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
