apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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