I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
